


I like me better (when i'm with you)

by 8makes1cheese



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Boys In Love, Boys Kissing, Fluff, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I'm Sorry, Kissing, M/M, Minor Character Death, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, sangi best boys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-02
Updated: 2020-03-21
Packaged: 2021-02-28 00:47:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 5,968
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22525039
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/8makes1cheese/pseuds/8makes1cheese
Summary: In a world where your soulmate's name is inked on your body, Mingi has no one. He's prayed day after day for the letters to one day appear on his skin, binding him to another person, but it never happens. So he's enthralled when he meets quirky and optimistic art student Choi San, the first person he's ever met who is like him- completely alone.[title from lauv's i like me better]
Relationships: Choi San & Park Seonghwa, Choi San/Song Mingi, Jung Wooyoung/Kang Yeosang
Comments: 22
Kudos: 122





	1. in love in new york city

Every morning starts the same. 

The sun rises in the sky. That's a given. Mingi opens his eyes and breathes in, not such a given, but he appreciates it. He appreciates waking up. Mingi is that type of person; an optimist, always looking on the bright side of everything. I woke up today. I'm not dead. Let's celebrate! 

Mingi groans and hits his alarm clock with his right hand, sitting up and nearly cracking his head against the window frame. Damn. He'd forgotten about the move. 

This is Mingi's first morning in his new apartment. He pulls aside the coarse baby blue window curtains and peers around outside. It's sunny out, not a cloud in the sky. He checks the clock. It's eight A.M. 

He stretches and drags himself out of bed, throwing on a T-shirt and jeans with as little care as ever. Socks and shoes go on in a hurry, a comb is run quickly through his hair, face briefly dunked in cold water, then he's out the door and on his way to hell. Ahem. His new job. 

Mingi just graduated college, and he's finding the life of an accomplished adult to be a little bit too much for him. He sighs. Hongjoong would say something like, "Just smile, Mingi! Everything's all right if you smile!" 

Mingi is an optimist, but not to that extent. 

He decides against thinking about Hongjoong. When he moved to NYC, he left Hongjoong and all of his other friends behind, as well as his family and his sort-of boyfriend. Well, it wasn't like he and Yunho would have stayed together anyway, not with the fancy, large letters spelling "Choi Jongho" across the broad boy's back. 

Mingi clenches his jaw. Every person he's passed today, every person he's ever encountered, in fact, has a name written somewhere on their body. There's no one, truly no one like him. No one else is a blank canvas. No one else is an empty sheet of note paper. No one else has no name on them at all. 

Mingi pushes these thoughts away as he arrives at his new workplace. It's a small shop squished in between two other, larger buildings, painted a loud green and decorated with artsy-looking fake flowers. It's a bookshop. Mingi barely even reads. He finds this oddly hilarious. 

He smiles as he enters, though there's only one person there. He knows Tiffany well; she hired him, after all. She's a pretty, rather overworked young woman who was short of help a few weeks ago, and as a result here Mingi is. She explains things quickly before disappearing to the back room, with a hasty "Your coworker will be here soon." 

So he isn't alone here, after all. 

.

He's not sure how long exactly Tiffany defines 'soon' to be. It's been nearly an hour, and no sign of any coworker- or anyone, in fact. Mingi is tired. He's about to take a nap when the bell above the door rings, announcing an entrance. 

Mingi looks up and sees the strangest apparition imaginable.

The boy has messy black hair shot through with a thick streak of dark green, topped by a hot pink cowboy hat and a glittery white hairbow. Sparkly eyeshadow, heavy eyeliner and a small jewel under the eye make this odd newcomer's appearance even more striking, and the dangly silver chains in his ear certainly do their part. His clothes are hard to describe; his shirt is simple and white, dotted with splashes of colored paint, half-hidden by a sleek black jacket that looks expensive. The right leg of his pants is yellow, while the left is blue denim. His feet are covered by bunny slippers, actual bunny slippers, and they don't even match. 

The boy smiles, and he has dimples. Dimples are a weakness of Mingi's. The way his eyes scrunch up and his whole face just glows with excitement is oddly adorable for such a.... unique specimen of a human being. 

Mingi can't hold back his grin. "Um, may I help you?" 

"Hi!" His voice is loud. And high pitched. A natural baby voice; there's another thing to make Mingi weak for this unknown boy. "This is Tiff's place, right?" 

"Uh, Tiffany's book shop? Yeah, this is it." 

"Score! I made it here alive! That's a win for me! Hi, by the way. Did I say that already? I don't remember. Do you work here? I came to work here, too, but my shoes don't match." 

So this is the mysterious coworker. 

"It's cute," Mingi blurts. 

"Oh, that's just awesome!" The boy beams. "I think you're very cute too! What's your name?" 

"My- hmm? Song Mingi." 

Mingi is about to outright laugh. This boy is just adorable. 

"That's a cute name!" The boy sighs dreamily. "I love names. So interesting. I wish I had one on me like everybody else does. I'm Choi San!" He smiles that sunshine-y smile again, waving cutely like he just caught sight of Mingi for the first time. 

Mingi barely notices, though. 

"D-did you say you don't have a name written on you?" 

"I don't," San says sadly. "It's ok, though. Everyone else has one, but that's ok! That makes me unique!" 

You're extremely unique as it is, Choi San. 

Mingi swallows. "I don't have one either." 

San jerks violently. "Woahh! Really? Wow. I thought I was alone. Now I'm not! Hey, we can be unique together. You seem fun." 

Mingi is far from fun today. He leans forward slightly and says, "Are you ready to start working?" 

"Absolutely! I love books. I love all forms of creative art, really. I'm an artist, a student anyway, myself. What do you study?" 

"Oh, I graduated college. I'm on my own now." 

"Cool." San looks awed. "You're really brave. I've never been completely on my own before. Is it hard?" 

"Sometimes." 

"That just means better days are coming!" San smiles, and God, his smile could light the dark side of the moon. "Anyways, I came here to work, not stand here collecting dust! Let's get to business, sister." 

San may seem a little detatched from reality, but his energy and competence while working put Mingi to shame. It's no wonder he's an artist, his creativity is incredible. Within two hours he's completely rearranged and redecorated the interior perfectly, and his idea of what looks good on himself apparently doesn't extend to other things, because his designing sense is a thousand times better than his fashion sense. 

So Choi San is talented, a hard worker, the weirdest person Mingi's ever met, and he doesn't have a soulmate. 

Mingi thinks he may have just hit the jackpot.


	2. i like me better

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: heavily referenced suicide & background character death

San has lost a lot of people. 

At birth, he was severely underweight and barely breathing. He wasn't expected to survive. His mother lived long enough to see him saved, and passed the night before her scheduled return home. 

When San was twelve, his father left the house to pay a visit to San's mother's grave. His body was retrieved from the river the next day. San cried himself to sleep every night for weeks. 

When San was fourteen, his best friend Wooyoung forgot to watch the street in front of him. San covered his ears during the funeral, attempting to block the sound of the car horn that echoed in his ears, unheard by the solemn crowd around him. 

When San was seventeen, his boyfriend Seonghwa held his phone to one side of his head and a gun to the other, and told San not to worry. He was kind enough to end the call before pulling the trigger. San never saw the body. 

When he was seventeen, he made the decision to follow Seonghwa. He took his gun and closed his eyes, but all he could here was Seonghwa's voice, horribly calm without an ounce of pain. Don't worry, my San. Don't worry. He threw the gun away. 

From that day on, he's forced his way out of the darkness he was living in, wrapping himself in false positively and smiles. He forced all people, all connections out of his life. He threw away his diaries, deleted all his pictures; but he kept one message and three photographs. 

The first photo is his mother. She's sitting on a swing, hair messy and blowing in the wind, eyes sparkling with laughter. San can't bear to lose that picture; it's all he has of her. 

The second photo is his father, hair long and dark, smiling into the camera with young San on one knee and Wooyoung on the other. All three of them look purely happy, and Wooyoung is holding San's hand. San both loves and hates this picture, but he can't let it go. 

The last picture is San and Seonghwa. It's not necessarily a romantic picture. Seonghwa has no makeup and his hair isn't styled; it's falling into his eyes, and his clothes are oversized and mismatched, and he looks like heaven to San. San himself has an arm around Seonghwa, grinning like an idiot, still in his pajamas with his hair unbrushed. They're sitting in a pile of fallen leaves, some of which are on their clothes and in their hair. 

San would marry that picture if it was possible. 

The message is also from Seonghwa. It's the last message he sent to San. It doesn't say "I love you," and it doesn't say "Don't worry." It says only one word, and that one word makes San's heart ache like nothing else ever could. Smile. That's all it says, no emojis or punctuation, not even capitalized. Smile. In his last moments Seonghwa wanted him to smile. 

San mouths the message again, and smiles out of habit, though it feels painful as always. He shuts his phone off and puts it in his pocket, stretching and crossing the room to the door. He slips out and hurries down the street, though really, he doubts it will matter if he's late to work. Tiffany certainly won't care, and he doubts Mingi will either. 

Mingi. Just thinking about him brightens San's mood immediately. They've worked together for over a week now, and San has discovered that contrary to his tired and quiet appearance on the first day, Mingi is a noisy and outgoing person. He makes San laugh. San hasn't laughed much in a while. 

He arrives at the shop on time, instantly putting on a smile so Mingi doesn't worry. He says a cheerful hello as he enters, and flops into his chair with a loud "Oof." 

Mingi grins. "Tired?" 

"Stressed," San replies. 

"Why?" There it is, the worry. Pity. San doesn't need it. 

"Nothing. Just a lot going on." 

"Well, I hope you feel better," and Mingi changes the subject. San appreciates it. Mingi doesn't ask if he wants to talk; most people would. Seonghwa would, but San doesn't need to think about that again. 

They've been sitting around for nearly an hour when a customer arrives. San looks up and to his shock sees a familiar face. 

"Yeo?" 

"Choi." Yeosang looks distasteful. "Haven't seen you in a while. Look, I have an order now, okay?" and he turns to talk to Mingi. 

San feels offended. He can't think what he could possibly have done to hurt Yeosang's feelings. They were never close; sure, they haven't been in contact for a while, but they barely knew each other. Just classmates, really. San's feelings are slightly hurt. 

"Oh, and Choi?" Yeosang's voice cuts through his thoughts. "Thanks a lot, by the way." 

"Um... for what?" 

"How you completely cut me out of your life. I appreciate it. I love being snubbed." With that, Yeosang stalks back out the door. 

"I didn't..." San trails off. How was he supposed to know Yeosang cared? They weren't even friends!

"Are you okay?" Mingi bites his lip awkwardly. "Um, I actually was going to ask you something." 

"No," San snaps. "I don't want to talk." 

Mingi looks hurt. "I was going to ask if you'd go to the amusement park with me, but you don't seem to be in the mood." He looks back down at his work. 

"No, I-" San inhakes sharply. "I'm really sorry for snapping. Can I go? I'd love that." 

Mingi smiles, a real smile, and he looks so genuinely happy that San has to smile too. "Really? Awesome!" 

"It's a date, then," San chirps, grinning like an imp as Mingi stares, then blinks, and again. 

"Yeah," Mingi says slowly. "A date." 

San already feels so much better, it's incredible.


	3. when I'm with you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so... sangi best dumbasses

Mingi wakes up feeling excited. 

He sits up in confusion, wracking his brain for anything he could possibly be excited for today. He doesn't really have a social life; he rarely has any events to look forward to. 

Oh. 

Today is his date with San. 

Mingi springs out of bed, dressing in a tearing hurry and rushing out the door. He still does have work, after all. He arrives in record time, but San still beat him. 

San looks up with his sparkly eyes and smiles, dimples popping. "You're late," he giggles. 

"I was slowed down by the weight of my awesomeness," Mingi responds. 

San laughs. His laugh is loud and high-pitched, almost squeaky. "Where is it? Did you drop it?" 

"Oh, you little-" Mingi gives him an affectionate slap. San shakes his head and squeaks, eyes still shining. 

He has an aesthetic to his outfit today; clouds. His hair is puffy, the green bleached to white, and he's dressed head to foot in baby blue. A white scarf around his neck and splashes of white paint complete the look. It's very San, and very cute. 

Mingi brushes a strand of hair out of San's face. "Are you excited?" 

"For the amusement park? I can't wait!" San bounces up and down in his seat. 

Mingi grins ear to ear. "Me neither." 

He suspects they're excited for different reasons. 

"I haven't been on a date in so long," San says wistfully. "Not since Hwa... I mean, no, never mind." He shakes his head. 

"Who?" 

"My b- my ex." San swallows. "Yeah." 

He looks hurt. Really, truly, deeply hurt. Inwardly, Mingi curses the faceless figure known only as 'Hwa', for whatever they did to damage San like this. There's pain in his eyes, and Mingi doesn't like it. He likes to see San happy. How anyone could hurt him is a mystery. 

They work in comfortable silence, cracking the occasional corny joke and giggling like kids. It's not until San does a high kick to be funny and Mingi is absolutely stunned that another conversation begins. 

"You're so flexible," Mingi gapes. "I'm as stiff as a freaking board." 

San giggles. "I dance." 

"So did I!" Mingi protests. "But I want to see you dance." 

"I have a show on the third of April. Want to come?" 

"I'd love to." 

...

The hours fly by, and it's time for their date.

"Well," Mingi inhales deeply, putting an arm casually around San and trying to ignore the dance his insides are doing, "are you ready?" 

"More than ready." San tries to look fierce, and would almost succeed if not for his little hands clutched into fists. Mingi wants to compare those hands to his. A win-win situation; he gets an excuse to touch San and material to tease him forever for his small hands. He laughs out loud as he remembers Hongjoong's cute hands, though San is much cuter in his eyes. 

"What's funny?" San asks innocently.

"Your hands," Mingi blurts. "Your hands are adorable." 

San looks down at his hands. His cheeks turn slightly pink. "They're just hands." 

"But they're so cute." 

San looks baffled, but he shrugs. "I- if you say so, I guess. But are they really cute? You're not just saying that?" 

"Why would I lie? Your hands are cute." You're cute. 

Mingi mentally cusses at the yet unknown Hwa, who he bets never told San his hands were cute. 

And then San does it, something incredible, something that makes Mingi's heart race. He reaches his precious little sweater paw out to Mingi, the gesture itself a question, and Mingi takes it. San's hand is soft and warm, and he grips Mingi's tightly. It almost makes Mingi scream out loud. 

He swallows hard. "The weather is cute. I mean, bisexual. I mean nice! I- your hand even feels cute, what the hell?" 

San's laugh is actually squeaking now. His smile could light the dark side of the moon. 

Mingi doesn't know how he ever got so lucky. 

...

San loves cotton candy. 

All afternoon and all evening, he licks away happily at his cotton candy, bouncing like an excited child, clinging onto Mingi's hand. Mingi finds himself acting childish too; it's in his nature, and San brings that hidden side of him out. It's been a while since Mingi has enjoyed anything enough to really be himself; just another reason to be thankful to San. 

When they've ridden nearly every ride, tried far too many fried foods to be healthy, bought several candies and won San a plushie, they return to the store and say their goodbyes for the night. San's eyes are still practically glowing with delight, his cheeks pink, and he looks so tiny in his fluffy sweater that Mingi hugs him. 

San squeaks. He cuddles up into Mingi's chest for one incredible second, then pulls away giggling. "Dumbass." 

"You're the dumbass," Mingi responds. San fakes bursting into tears, then flashes another of his bright smiles, waving and chirping "Bye bye!" before running the opposite way. 

Mingi stares dreamily after him for a second, then turns around and walks face first into a wall.


	4. I knew from the first time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ....

Mingi invites San to his apartment a week later. 

San is enraptured, looking around in awe as if it's the greatest thing he's ever seen. Mingi doesn't think his apartment is anything so great. It's nice, if a little messy, but hardly awe-inspiring. 

"It feels like home," San says at last. 

Oh. 

Mingi chews his lip. Feeling a sudden surge of bravery, he steps up behind San and wraps both arms around the shorter's waist. 

San freezes, then exhales slowly. "Oh," he says softly, relaxing. "This feels like home, too." 

How is Mingi supposed to respond to that? 

He shows San around almost shyly, holding tightly to his hand the whole time. He explains about Yunho and Hongjoong, even shows San a couple of pictures. He shows his bedroom only briefly, more than a little embarrassed of its messy state. San doesn't seem to mind. 

The hours seem to fly by. They play video games, screaming, laughing and yelling, and occasionally throwing things. They dance a little, and San reminds Mingi of his showcase the 3rd of April. They bake cookies and eat them, giggling at their sloppy shapes. It's one of the best days of Mingi's life. 

Before he knows it, it's time for San to go home. As he slips out the door, he says softly, "You may just be the best thing that's ever happened to me, Song Mingi." 

He kisses Mingi on the cheeks and exits, leaving behind a blushing mess. 

Mingi feels like he's going to melt. 

...

April 3rd arrives. 

Mingi dresses up, carefully combing his hair and putting on his nicest shoes. San texts him the address, and he gets a taxi, spending the whole ride texting. He gets out and approaches the building where the showcase is being held. 

He pays a small fee at the door and enters, quickly finding a seat. It's not overcrowded, but there are lots of people, mainly parents and teenage girls. Mingi begins to feel out of place. 

Twenty-five minutes until the performance. He settles into his chair. 

A minute passes. Mingi yawns. A girl nearby looks at him and scowls slightly, motioning for him to cover his mouth. Mingi just grins at her. 

It's only twenty minutes until the showcase when a woman appears, hurriedly moving up and down the aisles murmering something frantically. Mingi watches with interest as she gets closer and closer to him. 

"Do you know Choi San?" She asks in a whisper. 

"San? Yes, I know him. He's a... a good friend of mine. Why?" 

"He's missing," she says nervously. "I can't find him anywhere. We've looked all over backstage. Would you mind-" 

Mingi practically flies up out of his seat. "I'll help you find him." 

"Thank you so much," she says in relief, and vanishes into the crowd again. 

Mingi searches frantically. He's looked all over almost the whole first floor when he finally stumbles into a deserted corridor and hears sobbing. 

He follows the sound to a bathroom and knocks cautiously on the door. "San?" He says in a low voice. "Um... it's Mingi. Are you okay?" 

There's a silence. Then the door opens. San's hair is a mess and his face is streaked with tears. 

"I can't do it," he says miserably. 

"W- what? Can't do what?" 

"The showcase." San sniffles. "I can't do it." 

Mingi closes the door carefully behind them and sinks to the floor, San sliding down next to him. "Why?" 

"It's his birthday," San whispers. "Hwa's birthday." 

Oh. 

"Did I... ever tell you about him?" San's voice shakes. "My ex-boyfriend Seonghwa. Did I tell you..." 

"You mentioned him," Mingi says uncertainly. "I can tell.... that he hurt you. Are you all right?" 

San stares. He wipes tears off his cheeks, but they just keep pouring from his eyes. "He didn't! Seonghwa would never hurt me." 

Mingi is shocked. "But you seem so hurt when you talk about him..." 

"Because he's fucking dead, Mingi," San says bitterly. "I guess his family, his job, and knowing I wasn't meant for him was too much, and he..." San stares at the wall, fave twisted with pain. Mingi's heart aches. He says a silent apology to Seonghwa for misjudging him. San must hurt so bad...

"I'm so sorry," Mingi says softly. 

"He had my name," San says, voice barely audible. "I was his soulmate. I was meant to be with him until the end... I just didn't realize how soon that was." 

Instinctively, Mingi wraps his arms around San. "Sannie, think of it this way. He loved you. He still loves you, I'm sure. Make this performance a gift to him, and maybe it won't hurt-" 

San is shaking his head. "No, Mingi. I know what to do." 

He stands up. "I'll make this performance a gift to you. For always being there when I need you, even if you didn't understand or know I needed you. This is my thank you. I have," he checks his watch, "two minutes and fifty-one seconds to get there. Let's go." 

"That's my San," Mingi whispers. Aloud he says, "I'm proud of you." 

San dances like no one Mingi's ever watched. The passion, the expression, the presence in his dance is incredible, and his flexibility is unreal. Mingi is stunned beyond words. When San steps off the stage at the end, cheeks flushed and eyes shining, Mingi wraps him in the tightest hug of his lifetime. 

"You're amazing," he shouts. Then, quieter, "you look- uh-" he stutters, searching for words. "Beautiful." 

San hugs back, breathing hard. "That helped so much, god, I love dancing. Thank you. Thank you thank you thank you-" 

He clings onto Mingi for the whole ride home. When they part ways at Mingi's door, San is beaming. His dimples are irresistible. Mingi leans in to press a kiss on one. 

"Good night, Sannie." 

"Good night."


	5. I'd stay for a long time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ....

Yeosang doesn't understand. 

He doesn't understand how Choi San can look him innocently in the eyes as if he doesn't know what he's done. He was the one who forced the love of Yeosang's life away from him, it's all his fault. When Yeosang moved away, Wooyoung promised to call every day.

A week later, he failed to call one day, and from that day on Yeosang never heard from or of him again. 

But he kniws what happened; it was San. San caught them, San found out, San forced Wooyoung to abandon Yeosang so he could have the boy all to himself. Yeosang grits his teeth. He can't bear it. 

"I was meant to be with him!" He shouts to thin air. "I was supposed to be his one and only... where is he now? Off somewhere not caring about me, probably not even remembering. I hate it!" 

He kicks over a flowerpot and watches the dirt spill out, and with it fall his tears. 

....

San makes a habit of visiting Mingi. 

The taller's apartment begins to feel more like home than San's home does. He spends so much time their, it feels as though he lives there. Some of his clothes are even stored in Mingi's closet. 

"San," Mingi says carefully one day, "can I ask you something?" 

He sounds nervous. San looks up. 

"Sure, anything. What's up?" 

"Do you want to move in with me?" 

San stares at him blankly, struggling to process the words. Move in? 

"I shouldn't have asked," Mingi says hastily. "I'm sorry, that was stupid of me, forget about it-" 

"Are you kidding?" San bursts into a huge smile. "Move in here, with you? I'd love that, you dumbass!" 

Mingi grins so widely it makes San laugh. "Awesome." 

San hugs him. 

Mingi stiffens, then slowly relaxes and hugs back.

"Come on," he says, and he sounds excited. "Let me show you something." 

...

"You have a balcony? Deadass? And I never knew!" 

San promptly sits down on the ground, pulling Mingi with him. "Let's watch the sunset." 

"Okay." Mingi's voice sounds strangely hoarse. 

"Let me paint you a picture, figuratively." San stares across the horizon. "Two people are in a really romantic setting. They're alone. They really like each other, and they get along great, and they know each other better than anyone else. What should they do?" 

Mingi frowns, thinking. "Kiss, I suppose." 

"They should kiss?" 

"I mean, I guess so." 

"One of them should kiss the other?" 

"That- that's what I said, yeah." 

"Just making sure." San flashes him a smile before kissing him directly on the lips.

Mingi freezes, just as he did in the hug, then melts against San and it's so endearing that San finds himself smiling into the kiss. This makes Mingi smile too, and when they break apart, they're laughing. 

"I'm so dense, I didn't even catch on," Mingi groans.

"That makes it fun!" San answers cheerfully. 

The sun sinks below the horizon, and they find themselves kissing again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aha cuties :)


	6. cause i like me better when

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> San finally understands.

Whatever San expected to see when he receives a text from an unknown number at 2am, it wasn't this. 

It wasn't Kang Yeosang virtually spitting at him through words packed with malice, none of which San could make sense of. And at the end of his strange rant is, unexplainably, the title of a book. San stares at it for twenty seconds to make sure he's reading right. Why is Yeosang recommending him a book? 

He knows the book; they have a few copies at the shop. He decides to check it out in the morning. 

San tosses and turns for most of the night, sweat plastering his hair to his forehead, yet his whole body covered in goosebumps. At 4am he sits up in bed and bursts into tears. 

Everything, everything is so confusing. He'd thought that with Mingi, he could finally be happy; but now he's just as lost as ever. He buries his face in his hands and sobs quietly. 

He remembers a night from the past, when he woke up in the early hours of the morning missing Wooyoung so badly he could barely stand it. He had not had to cry alone then. Seonghwa had been there in an instant, murmering softly to him, and when San had tearfully asked if Seonghwa had heard his sobs, the elder had responded that he heard nothing. He had simply sensed that San was hurting, and had come to hold him. 

If only San had known then that Seonghwa cried alone at night too. If only he had been there to hold onto him, to comfort him. San cries harder. 

"What's wrong?" 

He jolts abruptly, squinting up at the pale light streaming through his doorway. Mingi is standing there in loose pajamas with his hair a fluffy mess, looking terribly endearing. San can't bring himself to speak, so he just shakes his head. 

Mingi approaches him cautiously and takes a seat on the bed next to him. "Can I touch you?" 

"Yeah," San says breathily, and Mingi envelopes him in a hug. 

"I just miss... everyone," San cries quietly. "My family, my best friend, my b- my ex- Seonghwa, my old friends..." He sniffles. "I don't know what I'd do, honestly, if I didn't have you." 

Mingi stares at the wall for a moment and says slowly, "You'll always have me." 

San nods through his tears. "I know." 

When the sun rises, they go to work as always, hands intertwined, eyes red from crying. San remembers the book Yeosang mentioned and goes to look for it. 

He picks up the copy and a paper falls out. He picks it up slowly and reads it in silence. 

'To Choi San.

Fuck you.' He blinks. "Fuck you for everything you've done. Meet me here at 5pm today. I need to talk to you." 

...

"What did you do to Wooyoung?" 

Those are the last words San expected to hear as Yeosang's greeting. "Wooyoung loved me. I love him, and everything is your fault, for God's sake what did you do?" 

San blinks away tears. "It wasn't my fault-" 

"Yes it was. All that just to leave him anyway. I wonder if he even remembers who I am." 

"Angels don't forget," San says softly. 

Yeosang recoils. "What?" 

San wipes his eyes. "I know it hurts, I swear I miss him as much as you do, but I don't understand why you're attacking me. I'm sure if he was still here, he'd be with you." 

"If he was still here?" Yeosang's face is white. He laughs nervously. "W-why are you talking like he's dead?" 

And then San realizes. 

And it hurts more than he could ever have imagined. 

Yeosang doesn't know. All these years, no one has told him. He's spent so long growing bitter, believing that his soulmate abandoned him, never even guessing the truth.

"He is, Yeosang," San says in despair. He can't think of a good way to phrase this statement. "He died years ago. Around a week after you left." 

Yeosang looks like he's been stabbed in the gut. 

And San can't bear it anymore. He turns and runs away through the gathering dark, his eyes stinging, leaving Yeosang's frozen figure on the steps, still staring off in horror at the darkening sky.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> San you're the worst pLEASE


	7. I like me better when I'm with you.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the end

San gets an E-Mail a week later. 

The guilt he feels is like a punch in the face. He spends a long time debating whether he should visit Yeosang or stay away, because really, what would he even say? "I'm sorry" isn't half enough. He stares at his screen for what feels like hours before silently rising to his feet, slipping on his coat and shoes, and quietly exiting the apartment. 

He doesn't go to Yeosang right away, though. 

San digs his hand into the cold grass and cries, whispering all his troubles to the wind, praying it will carry them to someone who cares. He sits there for over an hour, completely alone, before rising to his knees. 

"I miss you," he says softly. "And I love you. But I know now that it's time. I've been putting this off for so long because I knew how much it hurt, but it's time I finally let you go." He kisses the cold stone before him and stands, no tears in his eyes, his face set. "Goodbye," he says gently, and he walks slowly away, leaving Park Seonghwa behind forever. 

...

As it turns out, San doesn't have to say anything. 

Yeosang isn't even conscious when he arrives at the hospital. His eyes are closed, face pale, and he looks oddly angelic. San looks at him in silence before murmering an apology. It feels empty. He leaves with a heavy heart. 

When San arrives back at the apartment, Mingi practically flies out of his chair, enveloping him in a suffocating hug. "Where the fuck were you?" 

"I can't breathe," San chokes, and Mingi releases him. "You scared me," he says shakily. "I was really about to report you missing. You weren't answering my calls-" 

"I'm sorry," San breathes, and kisses him, effectively shutting him up. 

"I was visiting Kang Yeosang in the hospital," he explains. "He- uh, he overdosed, but he's... no, not okay. But he'll be okay. I hope everything gets better for him." He sighs. "And I.... visited Seonghwa. For the last time, I think." 

"The last time?" Mingi tilts his head, confused. "Why?" 

"My guilt has been dragging me down for years," San says softly. "It's time I let go of it. He wouldn't want me to be like this. I don't want to be like this." 

He smiles slightly. "I'm not erasing him. I'm not forgetting him. But I'm moving on." He reaches up to cup Mingi's face between his hands and smiles a real smile, dimples popping. "I'm ready to be happy again." 

Mingi mirrors his smile and kisses him, and for the first time in what seems like forever, San feels free. 

...

"Oh my god, it's her." 

San takes a bite of granola. "That one's a boy, Mingi." 

"Oh my god, it's him." 

Mingi reaches out to pet the puppy's head. "Hello there. What should I call you?" 

"Mars," San says through his granola, but it sounds like "Umph." 

"Umph?" 

San swallows his granola. "Mars." 

Mingi nods. "It fits! I like it." He scoops the dog into his arms. "Pomeranian dogs are spoiled and fluffy. I love them." He kisses the dog's fur. "That wasn't hygienic at all." He stumbles to his feet, still holding the puppy. "I've found my soulmate." 

San chokes on granola. "The hell am I, then?" 

"Puppies always come first," Mingi says firmly. "You're pretty great too though." 

"Don't kiss me with your un-hygienic dog fur lips." San giggles. 

Mingi sticks his tongue out at him. Mars barks. 

"You are super cute," San admits, running his hand over the dog's head. "I used to own a puppy when I was a kid." He smiles. "I like puppies." 

"Me too." Mingi nods vigorously. 

"I know," San laughs, and they approach the front desk to officially adopt their new baby. 

There are some papers to sign, but it doesn't take too long, and soon the fluffy little dog is really theirs. Mingi talks the whole drive home, and San watches him with sparkly eyes. There's a feeling in his chest that he's never experienced before. 

When they get back home, Mingi immediately goes to wash his mouth so he can kiss San. This is somehow hilarious to said dimpled boy, who giggles so hard that he can barely kiss back. 

It doesn't take long for Mars to basically destroy their apartment, but neither cares. It becomes routine for them to spend their evenings on the couch, San curled against Mingi with his head on the younger's shoulder, Mars snuggled up at their feet or on one of their laps. It feels like a family, and San loves it. 

He wonders how he ever managed on his own. 

"Damn, I like me better when I'm with you  
I like me better when I'm with you  
I knew from the first time, I'd stay for a long time 'cause  
I like me better when  
I like me better when I'm with you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanl you all for reading <3


End file.
